Introduction: Understanding Toddler Aggression
Why toddlers hit: developmental reasons, not disobedience
When a toddler hits a parent, it can feel shocking and upsetting. Many parents wonder, “Did my child mean to hurt me?” In most cases, the answer is no. Hitting at this age is rarely a sign of malice. Instead, it reflects a child’s limited ability to express strong emotions such as frustration, anger, fear, or confusion.
Toddlers are still developing key brain functions that allow them to regulate impulses and use language to express how they feel. According to developmental experts, the area of the brain responsible for self-control, the prefrontal cortex, is still very immature in children under the age of three. This is why it is common to see behaviours like hitting, biting, or pushing during moments of emotional overload.
In fact, research has shown that aggressive behaviour can peak between 18 to 24 months of age, particularly when children are still learning how to use words. A child may lash out physically not because they are trying to hurt someone, but because they are overwhelmed and have no other tools to express themselves.
Montessori’s view on early social-emotional behaviour
The Montessori approach recognises that children are not born knowing how to manage emotions or interact socially. These skills must be taught gently and consistently. In a Montessori environment, behaviour is viewed not as something to control, but as something to observe, understand, and guide through respectful communication.
From a young age, Montessori educators model calm, clear boundaries and help children name their feelings. They avoid harsh discipline and instead focus on helping children develop inner discipline. This supports a child’s sense of safety and builds their trust in the adults around them.
At Starshine Montessori, educators understand that hitting is often a signal that a child needs help to cope with a big feeling. The response is not punishment, but support offering language, reassurance, and structure so the child can learn better ways to manage future moments of stress.
In the next section, we will explore the common causes of hitting and why it is important to identify what triggers this behaviour in young children.
The Root Causes of Hitting
Lack of language and emotional regulation
One of the most common reasons toddlers hit is that they simply do not yet have the words to express their needs or feelings. A child who cannot say “I am angry,” “I want a turn,” or “Leave me alone” may resort to hitting instead. In moments of stress or overstimulation, physical actions often replace verbal communication.
The connection between language development and behavioural outbursts is well documented. According to Wikipedia’s article on language development, toddlers aged one to three are still in the early stages of forming sentences, making it difficult for them to communicate complex emotions. When their communication efforts are misunderstood or ignored, frustration can quickly escalate into aggression.
Frustration, tiredness, or overstimulation
Toddlers are particularly vulnerable to emotional overload. Long days, loud environments, unfamiliar situations, or transitions (like leaving the playground or putting away toys) can lead to sudden outbursts. In these cases, hitting is not a premeditated action but a reactive one, often triggered by fatigue or sensory overload.
Montessori classrooms address this by maintaining a predictable routine and offering plenty of time for quiet, focused work. At home, reducing screen time, offering regular breaks, and ensuring your child gets enough rest can make a big difference in reducing reactive behaviour.
Seeking attention or testing boundaries
Hitting may also be a way for a toddler to gain attention or explore what happens when they challenge limits. While this does not mean the behaviour should be ignored, it is helpful to remember that the child is not trying to be defiant but is instead learning about cause and effect.
Rather than labelling the child as “naughty,” Montessori encourages parents and educators to interpret behaviour as communication. If a child hits after being told “no,” it may reflect confusion about the boundary, not an intent to disobey. In these moments, consistent and calm guidance is more effective than punishment.
In the next section, we will explain why traditional forms of discipline such as yelling, smacking, or time-out may backfire, and how they can actually delay a toddler’s ability to self-regulate over time.
Why Punishment Does Not Work
Short-term compliance vs long-term behaviour change
When a toddler hits, it is natural for a parent to want the behaviour to stop immediately. Traditional forms of discipline like shouting, smacking, or putting a child in time-out may seem to offer quick results. The child may freeze, cry, or temporarily stop hitting. However, these reactions do not mean the child has learned a better way to behave.
What punishment often teaches is fear, not understanding. It may stop the behaviour in the moment, but it does not build the child’s ability to manage emotions or communicate more effectively in the future. In fact, harsh reactions can overwhelm the nervous system and make it harder for the child to calm down or listen.
Montessori emphasises that discipline should come from within, not be imposed from outside. For young children, that means giving them opportunities to practise making choices, setting limits respectfully, and offering emotional coaching rather than commands. This helps build self-discipline over time, not just obedience.
Impact on trust and emotional security
Punishment can also damage the relationship between parent and child. A child who is shamed or scolded may feel confused or rejected, especially if they do not understand what they did wrong. When this happens repeatedly, the child may become more anxious or aggressive, not less.
In contrast, gentle guidance strengthens connection. When children feel safe and understood, they are more open to learning and cooperation. According to the Wikipedia page on positive discipline, non-punitive methods like offering choices, giving clear expectations, and modelling empathy have been shown to promote cooperation and social-emotional development in young children.
This approach is not permissive. Montessori teachers and gentle parents set firm boundaries, but they do so with kindness and clarity. The child is not punished for having emotions, but guided in how to express them in respectful ways.
In the next section, we will look deeper into the Montessori perspective on behaviour and how it helps parents understand the “why” behind toddler actions.
The Montessori Perspective on Behaviour
Behaviour as communication
In Montessori philosophy, all behaviour is seen as a form of communication. Rather than focusing solely on what the child did, such as hitting, the goal is to understand why the behaviour occurred. A child may be trying to express a need, respond to a limit, or seek connection. By approaching behaviour with curiosity rather than control, adults can better guide the child toward more constructive expressions.
For example, if a toddler hits after a toy is taken away, a Montessori adult would not simply punish the action. Instead, they would observe the context, help the child name their feeling (“You were upset when your toy was taken”), and model an alternative (“Next time, you can say ‘I want it back, please'”). This teaches communication and empathy, not just compliance.
Observation over reaction
Montessori educators are trained to observe children carefully before intervening. By watching without judgement, adults can detect patterns in behaviour and identify potential causes. Is the child hungry? Tired? Overwhelmed? Struggling with a transition? Observation allows adults to respond with precision rather than react in frustration.
Parents can apply the same principle at home. When hitting happens, pause to reflect: Has the child had a difficult day? Were expectations clear? Is the environment too noisy or stimulating? This mindset encourages problem-solving instead of punishment.
Teaching self-control through consistency and empathy
Montessori classrooms are designed to promote calmness, independence, and order, which help children regulate their emotions. Children are taught to carry objects gently, wait for their turn, and use soft voices. These habits are not enforced through fear but developed through patient guidance, repetition, and mutual respect.
At Starshine Montessori, teachers model respectful language, offer gentle redirection, and involve children in solutions. When a child hits, they are not labelled or scolded. Instead, the behaviour is addressed in a calm and consistent way that helps the child learn better choices. This builds long-term self-regulation and trust.
In the next section, we will explore nine practical, gentle parenting tips that parents can apply at home to reduce hitting and nurture a more peaceful relationship with their child.
9 Gentle Parenting Tips to Respond to Hitting
Helping a toddler stop hitting takes patience, empathy, and consistency. These nine Montessori-aligned strategies offer parents respectful ways to guide behaviour while strengthening connection and trust.
Tip 1: Stay calm and grounded
The most powerful response you can give in the moment is your calm. Toddlers rely on adults to co-regulate their emotions. If you respond to hitting with shouting or anger, it can escalate the situation. Take a breath, lower your voice, and show your child that you are in control. This models how to respond to big feelings without reacting physically.
Tip 2: Respond immediately but gently
Address the behaviour as soon as it happens, but avoid shaming or scolding. Get down to the child’s eye level and say something simple and clear, such as “I will not let you hit.” This helps the child understand that hitting is not acceptable, while still feeling safe in your presence.
Tip 3: Name and validate the emotion behind the action
Most toddlers do not yet have the words to say “I’m frustrated” or “I feel left out.” Help your child make sense of what they’re feeling by labelling the emotion: “You were angry because I said no,” or “You felt upset when your toy was taken.” Validating feelings does not mean you allow the behaviour, but it shows empathy and builds emotional awareness.
Tip 4: Offer simple language the child can use instead of hitting
Give your child the words they need for next time: “Say, ‘I don’t like that,’” or “Say, ‘My turn please.’” This helps them replace the physical reaction with a verbal one. Over time, repeated modelling gives them tools to express themselves more appropriately.
Tip 5: Set a clear, firm boundary without anger
Be kind but direct: “It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to hit.” Boundaries are most effective when they are calmly and consistently enforced. Avoid vague warnings or threats. Instead, be specific about what behaviour is expected and what will happen next.
Tip 6: Remove or redirect with respect
If your child continues to hit, it is okay to gently remove them from the situation. You might say, “You’re having a hard time. Let’s take a break together.” Offer an alternative activity, a calm corner, or time to cool off in your presence. This avoids isolating the child while still protecting others.
Tip 7: Reinforce positive behaviour consistently
Notice and comment on peaceful behaviour throughout the day: “You waited for your turn,” or “You used your words to ask for help.” Positive reinforcement strengthens the behaviours you want to see more of and helps your child feel capable and seen.
Tip 8: Use visual cues and storytelling for younger toddlers
Toddlers respond well to visual supports. Use pictures or puppets to show gentle hands or act out situations through stories. For example, telling a short story about a character who wanted a toy but used kind words instead of hitting can be a powerful tool for learning.
Tip 9: Reflect together during calm moments
Later in the day, when your child is calm and receptive, revisit what happened. Keep it brief and developmentally appropriate: “Today you were upset and hit Mummy. Next time, what could you do instead?” Offer praise for any progress, however small, and focus on learning, not blame.
In the next section, we will discuss when hitting may signal something more serious and what steps parents in Singapore can take if the behaviour persists.
When to Get Support: Recognising Ongoing Challenges
What’s typical and what may need attention
It is completely normal for toddlers to go through phases of hitting, especially between 18 months and three years of age. At this stage, they are still learning how to manage emotions, assert their needs, and communicate effectively. However, if the behaviour becomes frequent, intense, or continues beyond the toddler years without improvement, it may be time to look deeper.
Signs that suggest a need for additional support include:
- Hitting that happens several times a day with little provocation
- A lack of response to gentle discipline strategies
- Difficulty engaging in social play without aggression
- Delayed speech or difficulty understanding simple instructions
- Emotional meltdowns that last long or appear extreme for the situation
Observing patterns over a few weeks can help. Keep a simple log of when and where the behaviour occurs, what happened just before it, and how your child responded afterwards. This may reveal triggers such as hunger, tiredness, overstimulation, or certain social settings.
How to monitor patterns in behaviour
Montessori philosophy encourages close observation of the child to better understand their needs. If you are unsure whether your child’s behaviour is within the typical range, discussing your observations with your preschool teacher or paediatrician can be helpful. You are not alone, and seeking advice is a sign of care, not failure.
At Starshine Montessori, teachers partner closely with families to support emotional and behavioural development. When challenges persist, educators may suggest small changes at home, such as adjusting sleep routines, simplifying choices, or reducing overstimulating environments.
Support options available to parents in Singapore
In Singapore, early childhood development is strongly supported through national frameworks such as the Early Years Development Framework (EYDF), which outlines age-appropriate emotional and social milestones. You can refer to the EYDF 2023 guide to understand the developmental benchmarks related to behaviour, empathy, and emotional control.
For children who need more structured help, the Development Support and Learning Support (DS-LS) Programme offers timely support services for preschool-aged children who show early signs of emotional or behavioural challenges. Parents can access these through ECDA-approved centres or speak to their preschool’s educators for referral.
Early support makes a significant difference. The earlier children receive help to build emotional awareness and regulation, the easier it is to prevent negative behaviour patterns from taking root.
In the next section, we will highlight how Starshine Montessori applies these principles daily and works with parents to guide positive behaviour development.
How Starshine Montessori Guides Positive Behaviour
Classroom practices: grace and courtesy lessons
At Starshine Montessori, social development is not an afterthought, it is an integral part of the daily curriculum. One of the most effective ways the school supports positive behaviour is through grace and courtesy lessons, a Montessori tradition where children are explicitly taught how to interact respectfully and peacefully with others.
These lessons might include how to say “excuse me,” how to wait for a turn, how to walk around someone’s workspace, or how to use gentle hands. Teachers model the behaviour first, then invite the children to practise through role-play and real-life interactions. By learning what is expected in a calm, structured way, toddlers feel more confident navigating social situations.
Peace corners, conflict resolution cards, and modelled language
The prepared environment in a Montessori classroom is designed to help children self-regulate. Peace corners are quiet spaces with soft cushions, calming objects, and simple tools like a sand timer or feelings chart where a child can choose to go when they feel overwhelmed. These areas are not used as punishment but as invitations to pause and reset.
Teachers also use conflict resolution cards with visuals that guide children through common social problems, such as waiting for a toy or feeling left out. With gentle support, even toddlers learn to express how they feel, listen to others, and find a fair solution.
Language modelling is another key tool. Instead of simply telling a child “no hitting,” teachers demonstrate what to say instead. For example, “You can say, ‘I don’t like that. Please stop.’” Repeating these phrases consistently helps children internalise respectful communication.
Working with parents: shared strategies and take-home support
Starshine Montessori understands that what happens at home affects what happens in school and vice versa. Teachers regularly communicate with parents to share insights, strategies, and observations. If a child struggles with hitting, the team works closely with the family to explore possible triggers and align approaches between home and school.
This might involve recommending routines to support transitions, using the same language prompts at home, or introducing a feelings board to help toddlers express emotions visually. The goal is not to shame or blame, but to empower both parents and children through positive partnership.
To further support families, Starshine Montessori has published helpful articles such as Boost Your Child’s Confidence: Effective Strategies for Parents, which explores how confidence and independence contribute to emotional self-regulation.
In the following section, we will answer common questions parents have when dealing with toddler hitting, including whether to force an apology and how to handle repeated aggression toward siblings.
FAQs
Is toddler hitting ever normal?
Yes, occasional hitting is a normal part of toddler development. It typically occurs between 18 months and three years of age, when young children experience big emotions but lack the verbal and self-regulation skills to manage them effectively. While it is developmentally expected, it is still important to guide the behaviour gently and consistently to help your child learn more appropriate responses.
Should I force my child to say sorry?
In Montessori practice, apologies are taught through modelling rather than forced repetition. Forcing a toddler to say “sorry” when they do not understand why can make the apology feel meaningless. Instead, guide the child in making amends. For example, you might say, “Let’s help your friend feel better,” or “Would you like to give them a tissue or say kind words?” Over time, children begin to offer apologies on their own, with genuine understanding.
What if my child keeps hitting a sibling or friend?
Recurring hitting between siblings or peers can be particularly upsetting. Try to observe the patterns, is it happening during transitions, when toys are involved, or when a child is tired? Offer consistent language and boundaries each time, and supervise closely to model positive interactions. Encourage turn-taking games and give both children words to express their needs. If the hitting persists despite gentle guidance, consider consulting your child’s teacher or paediatrician for support.
Does timeout work in Montessori?
Timeout is not a strategy typically used in Montessori environments. Rather than isolating the child, Montessori encourages a calm and connected response that supports self-regulation. For example, you might invite your child to a quiet space with you or suggest taking a break with a calming activity. This approach fosters emotional understanding rather than fear or shame.
Can gentle discipline still be firm?
Absolutely. Gentle parenting does not mean permissive parenting. Boundaries are essential, and they can be communicated in a kind and respectful tone. You can firmly say, “I will not let you hit,” while staying calm and supportive. The key is to separate the behaviour from the child, focusing on teaching rather than punishing. This helps toddlers develop trust, emotional safety, and internal discipline.
References
- Wikipedia – Toddler
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toddler
Overview of toddler developmental stages including emotional and behavioural milestones. - Wikipedia – Aggression in Children
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aggression#Children
Provides insight into typical causes of aggressive behaviour in early childhood. - Wikipedia – Positive Discipline
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_discipline
Explains non-punitive approaches to behaviour guidance rooted in respect and consistency. - ECDA – Early Years Development Framework (2023)
https://www.ecda.gov.sg/early-childhood-educators-(ece)/curriculum-frameworks/early-years-development-framework
Official Singapore reference outlining social-emotional learning indicators for infants and toddlers. - ECDA – Development Support and Learning Support Programme
https://www.ecda.gov.sg/parents/other-services/early-intervention-services/development-support-and-learning-support-programme-(ds-ls)
Government-backed early intervention support services for children displaying persistent behavioural challenges. - Beanstalk ECDA – Tame Tantrums and Tough Behaviour
https://www.ecda.gov.sg/beanstalk/parents-portal/ask-the-experts/understanding-and-managing-tantrums
Practical advice for Singaporean parents on responding to challenging toddler behaviour. - Starshine Montessori – Boost Your Child’s Confidence: Effective Strategies for Parents
https://www.starshinemontessori.com/boost-your-childs-confidence-effective-strategies-for-parents/
Internal resource supporting the connection between self-confidence, independence and emotional regulation. - Siegel, D. & Bryson, T. (2014). No-Drama Discipline
A neuroscience-based guide to calming tantrums and teaching discipline through connection and understanding. - Nelsen, J., Erwin, C., & Duffy, R. (2019). Positive Discipline for Preschoolers
Evidence-based techniques for setting limits without punishment and encouraging cooperation. - Karp, H. (2008). The Happiest Toddler on the Block
Offers practical tools, including “Toddler-ese,” for de-escalating toddler aggression and frustration.
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